In Bordeaux at that moment I was aware that I had put myself in emotional pain by getting involved with troubled men, but I wasn’t sure why. Was this a familiar psychological state? Did I somehow feel needed, or important or worthy because the other person “had issues?” Eddie and my relationship went on for years like this and the feeling states, the hot and cold, the make up and break up, the fixing and striving to change it only to be let down in the end wouldn’t be erased easily.
Maybe I had held on so long as I just didn’t want to be alone?
Maybe I felt pressure to have a man in my life as everyone else around me was getting hitched and having babies.
I wasn’t sure it was so surface level though. I felt there was a deeper psychological issue at hand. I stepped into the shower, and let tears flow down my face. I would allow the emotion to live through me and that meant I would need to cry.
To cry and let out floods of tears in the shower of my Bordeaux Chateau. This surge of emotion had always been buried until this moment, just under the surface, this entire relationship.
The real grieving pain, not just the pain from the addiction and the ups and the downs that came with it.
This was the deeper pain of knowing it was done. Nothing else was left to do – I was finally at a point where I was not going to try to change or fix this.