Excerpt Sixteen

“Anxiety is a glimpse of your own daring. Whatever you are afraid of … that’s the very thing you should do.” Maria Shriver

After our swim we stopped at a beachside bar and sipped Kir Blancs (white wine with a little Cassis) and admired the large and powerful ocean. My phone vibrated and I looked down to see a text. 

Bonjour Krista, Ca Va? How is the beach today? When you are back in Bordeaux I would like to take you to see the windmills and possibly share a meal. Yes?

This message was from Julien. It flattered me to know that he was still interested despite my shyness and or guarded demeanor around him. I knew he understood on some level I was closed off from dating, if I could feel my own energy, I knew it was impossible for him not to feel it. I felt annoyed with myself that here I was with Cedric and Claire, enjoying all of these experiences and I had a French man wanting to date me. Wasn’t this a dream come true? I could date Julien and hang with Cedric and Claire all the time. I could date a winemaker, visit the french countryside from Paris frequently, and appreciate the beauty and simplicity of this side of France. I did not understand myself. I was upset with my own feelings. I did not have it in me to let anyone in. I allowed myself to think about this on the drive home before I responded to the text. I wished I had felt differently. Was it Julien? Was I not attracted to him? That seemed almost impossible to be true as he was cute, charming and French. I felt suddenly that I was doomed. If it were so challenging for me to even accept a date with a cute French winemaker, how would I ever meet anyone or ever find love again? I felt hopeless. Not wanting to trust my own feelings, I texted back with an acceptance to his invitation. He quickly replied that he would pick me up from the Gaillard Chateau, my new home, at noon the next day.

Oh goodness. I told myself to buckle up and get in the right mindset for a date. I would be a fool not to accept a Sunday date with a cute French winemaker. I was in wine school and only an idiot would turn that down. If nothing else I would experience more of Bordeaux and have a nice day. I told Cedric and Claire that I would see Julien the next day. They looked at each other and smiled. After a long three-hour car ride due to traffic, I hugged them goodbye, thanked them immensely, and mentioned we would make plans for the next weekend. Of course I would see Cedric Monday morning for work in the cellar at the vineyard.

After that long and lovely fun-filled wonderful day, I was alone again in the Chateau. Coming from such a high on life, it seemed to come crashing down once the silence of the Chateau crept in. I felt tears stream down my face and I started to sob. In that moment, I underwent a surge of emotions and overwhelm. Maybe it was the emptiness, or my self-inflicted heartache, perhaps the foreignness and adjustment of this entire experience, or the frustration with my own feelings in regards to the heart. It was a depressive feeling that caused my entire body to ache. I had not expected this to come over me and I suddenly realized with the grandiose highs that venturing alone into travel can bring, it could also bring shackling lows. I could feel the paradigm shift where I was changing within, and with that part of my identity was escaping me. I had no one I could even talk to. I was completely alone. I poured myself a large glass of wine from a half drank bottle on the kitchen counter, bolted up the Chateau doors and shivered as I walked up the creaky stairs to my bedroom. All I wanted was to sleep. I didn’t want to think anymore. I was so confused and torn with my own thoughts and emotions that it forced my mind and soul to seem disconnected. Sleep would erase this temporarily. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out.